For the past 3 weeks (or more) I have been praying that He would create in me a heart like His, that He would fill me with His desires and not my own - that my life be His and not my own. I was asking to be conformed into His likeness - I have spent hours talking with Aaron. And not talking with my family, friends or really posting here in order to be very clear about what I was hearing in a still small voice - deep with in me. It all became evident and clear yesterday.
At least since spring break, I have not slept through the night with a burden hanging on me. Last night was the first night I slept all the way through the night - since I can remember.
Going back one year, when Aaron and I knew we were expecting our lives began to change. For me, my focus began to shift - all things that I revolved around became diminished. My eyes were changing. How I processed and looked at events and situations changed. Then last July, all things that had been were no longer. From the time of Jeremy's diagnosis I began to change. My eyes were new. My life as I knew it would never be the same.
How joyful and awesome it was the day Jeremy arrived - what a blessing. Aaron and I, along with our family - got to spend an hour in fellowship with our son. Through the pregnancy we were given no expectation - when Jeremy arrived we received so much. And since that day, again I have been changing, the old Beth is gone - new Beth here. (God has a knack for getting us in alignment with Him)
My first outward move into obedience, I have retired from coaching.
3 weeks ago, the players began spring workouts, lifting and some open gym. I really enjoy all the players - their interest in getting better and love for one another. But I had no spark, I was simply going through the motions. Comparing to the past 5 springs, I was not prepared, not clear on the direction for the spring (typically I have the spring, summer and fall mapped out by this time). Last night was the call out meeting, and deep within me I knew without a doubt that I could not run that meeting. The program is too close to my heart to lie out right to the athletes, parents and athletic department regarding the state of my heart. To step away from coaching is a big step, but a confident step in obedience to the will of God. Last night I slept more soundly then I have in a long time.
This decision seems very sudden to many - and I want to be clear that it was not a sudden decision, far from it. Many pages of my journal are filled with thoughts and feelings - many conversations with Aaron have filled our house.
So what is next ... there are many things on the horizon all working directly with Aaron.
just a few:
1: Development Associate
2: Creating an Early Childhood program in the Brookside Church
3: KidsGames, sharing the gospel through sports
There will be more to come with each of these areas - and I am very excited to move into these roles with my whole heart.
Allowing the Lord to change me from the inside out - to be a light for Him.
GRACE AND PEACE!