Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Just real.

So for the past few days I have been in the dumps. Feeling blah. My mind is focused on Jeremy. I keep thinking about the holiday season and nearing his birthday - I am missing him terrible. I am consumed with thoughts of memories that we do not have. I find myself in the middle of anything crying. It really stinks. While, I am pretty sure this is part of the grieving process, it is a part I am not too fond of.

in my journal I wrote today:
Lord, be with me. Your Spirit makes me strong. Lord in your strength this time will glorify you. My mind is feeling weak, my heart is aching for Jeremy. Thank you Lord that you are close, that you know my sadness. Praise you Lord that I can lean on you - trusting and stepping in faith, following your Love, Grace and Mercy.

Then I read todays God Calling, this is a portion:
I am beside you.
A very human Jesus, who understands all your weaknesses, and sees too your struggles and conquests.
So fainting and need, by the lakeside of life, know that I will supply your need, not grudgingly, but in full measure.

The Lord is so quick to answer - and I am always surprised.
Lord, I love you and praise you for your support in my utter and complete weakness. Thank you that I can lean on you and your strength sustains me.

BUT IT DOES NOT STOP THERE ... I went on the read Psalm 31 ... the parts that spoke to me this morning:
1 In you O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame: deliver me in your righteousness.
4 Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me. O Lord, the God of truth.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
9 Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
14 But I trust in you O LORD; I say "YOU ARE MY GOD"
15My times are in your hands.
21 Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me.
23 Love the Lord, all his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart, ALL you who hope in the Lord.

I am so filled by the Spirit - and I was then reminded of one of the 5.6 class memory verses ... John 16:24 Until now your have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

I need to allow my grief to get out of me - I have continued to suppress my emotions and feelings. Moving along like all is well, things are fine when actually that is not the case at all -- these feelings and emotions needed to get out! And wow, the peace that fills me now - thank you Jesus!
There are some hard days ahead, I simply Pray for the Lord to continue to carry me.


No comments: